CowPi Journal

On the last day of class, one of my seniors disrespected me in a major way. I have seen her show disrespect toward other teachers and students over the last two years, but the frequency has increased during the last month or so. On occasion, she would do little things to me too. But this time, her offense was blatant and intentional. (See my quote about the character of seniors.)
Being the last day of school, there is not much point in any type of discipline. I guess she gets away with it. But I have lost all respect for this person. In fact, I was probably the last teacher that held any respect for her. But that is all gone now.
And the sad thing is, she does not realize any of this. She has trampled on all of her relationships without regard to people’s feelings. She has left a wake of burning bridges and doesn’t even smell the smoke.
As Christ as taught us, you must love your enemy. I don’t like this person any more. I have worked on trying to forgive her, but I am worried about what I will say or do when I see her at graduation. I pray that she finds some sense of inner peace. She is going to have a difficult life if she does not discover that God can be found in the way we interact and treat the people around us. And I honestly hope that she finds happiness in her life. It will be hard for her to find happiness unless she changes her ways.

Yesterday was the last day of classes for seniors at the high school where I teach. I always have mixed emotions about the last day of school. (I have another last day of school to go through with the underclassmen.) The last day is further complicated since most of my seniors are exempt from their final exam. Those two or three students who have to take the exam will come back on Monday or Tuesday.
I always have this urge to stand up in front of my departing students and say something profound, to tell them how much I appreciated them, and to wish them a happy and successful life. But this never happens. The bell usually rings before I can manage my emotions and muster up the courage. Or, a couple of students are wrapping up their last math test, and I don’t want to interrupt them. Or, I am busy grading their last test, and time slips by until the bell rings, then it’s too late. Or, on a rare occasion we do not have anything to do on the last day because we took the last test a day early, the students sit there and talk among themselves. Some classes include me in their conversations, some don’t. It all depends on the mix of personalities. And again, time slips by until the bell rings.
I remember when I was a student. There was always a sense of closure when I walked out of a classroom for the last time, no matter how much I enjoyed the class. There was a sense of release—no more homework, no more tests, no more commitment of my time and energy. One stage of my life was finished, and I was excited for the upcoming brief time of freedom, and for the possibilities of the future.
As a teacher on the last day of school, there is no sense of closure. The students just get up and walk out of the classroom door like they have always done. They walk out of your life as quickly as they walked into it on the first day of school. I do get a sense of relief on the last day that I am not responsible for them any more. The pressure to be always ready is off (for a little while at least). But final grades still need to be calculated, and the classroom needs to be packed up for summer.
I have always had a few students who shook my hand or gave me a hug as they left on the last day. I really appreciate this gesture of affection. And this does provide a little sense of closure. Most students do not know realize how much of an impact they have on their teachers.
So, for a little sense of closure, I pray that all of my students live long, happy, prosperous lives under the light and love of Christ. May all of their dreams and aspirations come true. May they find love and friendship. And in the end, may they learn to listen to God in their lives.

I am currently reading the book Reaching Out by Henri J. M. Nouwen. In this book, Nouwen describes three type of movements or spectrums.

Nouwen views our spiritual “ascent” as evolving in three movements. The first movement, loneliness to solitude, focuses on the spiritual life as it relates to the experience of our own selves. The second, from hostility to hospitality, deals with our spiritual life as a life for others. The third movement, from illusion to prayer, offers penetrating thoughts on the most mysterious relationship of all: our relationship to God. Throughout, [the book] emphasizes that the more we understand (and not simply deny) our inner struggles, the more fully we will be able to embrace a prayful and geniune life that is also open to others’ needs.

The loneliness vs. solitude movement reminded of one my earlier journal entries, Levels of Friendship. When I feel lonely, it is a kind of frustrated energy that I do not have anyone in the inner circles in which to share some of my feelings, be them sad, joyous, or everyday kind of feelings. Loneliness becomes a searching for something outside of myself that is never really satisfied. There are a lot of things in our society to cover up this feeling of loneliness, from the heavy stuff like alcohol and drugs, to the lighter stuff like television, shopping, video games, surfing the Internet. All of these things pre-occupy our minds so that we do not have to deal with the real, inner problems.

On the other hand, solitude is an inward searching. Energy is directed within ourselves to find peace, to think openly, honestly, and deliberately. Energy is not wasted externally, but is used to build you up on the inside. I am at a loss for what else to say about solitude except that “peace” is the word that keeps popping into my mind. When I feel at peace within myself, I feel confident to tackle the external problems of life. And I find it very comforting to realize that God is there with me. Through only Him, can I find true peace.

I used to work with a guy that always said:

There are no such thing as problems, only opportunities.

I have told this quote to many of my students. I always have to explain that problems are opportunities to prove yourself, to test yourself. Do you measure up to the task? Can you solve it? Do you see the glass as half full, or half empty?

Attitude! It’s all about attitude.