Two Sides of Darkness

I am a pilgrim stuck between two sides of darkness. I am happy, do not get me wrong, but I feel a little sense of restlessness. Behind me is one darkness, or at least I am on the outer edge of its shadow. (I hope.) I see, or rather sense down the road another darkness. Both darknesses have a pull that is hard to resist, but I am drawn toward the other now. I am nervous and not-nervous at the same time.
The use of the word “darkness” in a poem by Hadge got me to thinking. In Christian spirituality, the word “darkness” has two connotations. One is the darkness of the world, in being separated from the Light of God, surrounded by ignorance and sin. This kind of darkness alludes to the idea of blindness, groping in the dark for something. Pieces of the truth? We prefer this darkness because we are comfortable to wallow in our pride and our self-confidence.
The other connotation is the darkness of knowing the unknowable infinite God. This darkness, ironically, is in a way like an owl blinded by the light of the noon day sun. Our minds, our intellect, our fantasies reach a point where they do not work any more. Words have long been useless at this point because words are created, and how can they describe the uncreated? Emotions are useless too. So our minds, with nothing to grasp onto, perceive it as darkness.
God is sitting there in silence, in this dark cloud of unknowing in the center of your soul, offering no answers, no signs of encouragement, nothing. Except somehow, without words, without emotions, with no sense of medium, you know that God loves you, that God knows the feeble light of your soul and thinks it is glorious. He wants you to come back home, to step into the center of the darkness within yourself, this darkness that leads to God, and knowledge of your true self, not your created self of the other darkness, the self He knows and loves.
The truth revealed through the Apostles and Saints are like signposts pointing us down the road to home, to the Ultimate Truth of God. There is much to learn, much to do, much to love, much to transform, much to become along the journey between the two sides of darkness.
The beginning of the road was obscured by the darkness of the created world. A Voice calls you to the road out of this darkness, and sets you on your own. It may feel like you are alone on this road, but God is with you every step of the way. The end of the road is also obscured, but by the uncreated darkness of God. Ironically, the next footstep on this road itself is often obscured too.
Oh Father, guide our feet for we do not know where to step next.

Solitude

“Solitude is frightening for some and simply baffling for others.”

“There is a big loneliness at the center of every person. It is universal. There’s a reason for the loneliness. It is meant to lead you somewhere. Even if you are unconscious of it, the big lonely is driving you homeward.”

Fr. Daniel Homan and Lonni Collins Pratt, in Radical Hospitality: Benedict’s Way to Love wrote a wonderful, insightful piece on moving into solitude. They describe it better than anything I could write, and so it warrants its own post separate from the other quotes I have been posting from their book. From chapter 4:

…Silence and solitude are related, and we are terrified of them both.

When we are alone, we have cut off our normal routes to self-escape. Not only that, solitude hacks off most of the usual ways we feel affirmed. In solitude we cease being competent workers. We do not serve and nurture others in solitude, and we seldom talk. Once amputated from these normal support systems, we discover a throbbing restlessness begins to surface.

Thomas Keating, monk and author, calls this the “unloading of the unconscious.” What’s happening? Ancient wounds to the psyche begin ascending into the conscious region of the mind, they float up like long-dead bodies. Illusions shatter around us and wisdom gets a chance to get hold of us. If we stick with the process we will know the truth about ourselves. All the glorious truth.

But the bountiful good of the truth does not come until we’ve danced with a few demons long hidden in the psyche. This is when most people turn on the radio, get in the car, or hustle home to the safety of people, noise, and activity. the purpose of spirituality is not keep this moment from happening; rather, spirituality will eventually bring it on.

Some people find that in their first experiences of solitude and silence they wrestle with frightful emotions and fantasies. Some dark void in them beckons them to jump over the edge. It does not take long to realize why we avoid ourselves.

If you stay with solitude, you discover that this inner void is your friend. It is your true hunger. It has God’s name on it. It tells you the truth about yourself, once you are able to push aside all the garbage that initially erupts out it.

The first stirrings of loneliness, when you are alone, emerge from a vast inner emptiness that can rattle us beyond what we expected. It is then you’ll understand what it means to refer to solitude as a state of the mind, rather than a place and time.

We possess inward solitude at a very high cost. It does not come easily. In solitude, we feel helpless and almost out of control. We have grown dependent on others and the noises we make at each other. We do not even know how to imagine our lives without the entire bustle.

This sense of being “helpless and almost out of control” is the beginning of losing oneself into God’s hands. It is realizing your poverty, that you are a mere creature and cannot do anything of value for yourself. Everything ultimately belongs to God. “Your life is not personal property; you belong to God.”

…Solitude is as much a state of mind as it is a place. This state of mind developes through the practice of solitude. With an inner solitude in place, you do not mind being alone, because you know you are never alone. You do not resist and fear others, because you know they are not a threat, they can’t control you. They do not determine your worth as a human being. you have nothing you must prove to them.

Solitude, rather than driving us into ourselves and away from others, propels us outward and opens us up. It is from the hours spent alone that [we will] come to cherish relationships. It is from the silence that [we] learn to listen. It is in the deep, empty place inside [us] that [we] find God.

No one can practice genuine Benedictine hospitality unless they have come through solitude. We can go through the motions, but the inner opening up does not happen until we have spent a good deal of time alone and a genuine self-love is born. …

Look for solitude in the snatches of time that hurry past unnoticed. While you wait for a friend to arrive, while the kids are playing, while your spouse watches television, before the household is awake, or after everyone is in bed. Find a quiet place to sit still. Shut the door. Turn off the lights if this will help and light a candle.

Solitude is where you learn to love yourself so that you can love others more fully, more wholely. It is where you can learn to really love God. Solitude and silence is were you can find God’s unending spring of love, peace, and energy so that you can infect the world around you with it.

In the evening of our life, we shall be judged by love, namely, by the sincerity of our love for God, for our neighbor, for our soul. — St. John of the Cross

Hospitality – Part 3

More quotes from Radical Hospitality: Benedict’s Way to Love by Fr. Daniel Homan and Lonni Collins Pratt. See Part 2.

When we create a life surrounded by people just like ourselves, it is a very narrow life. We will not be challenged by such a life. We cave in on ourselves; our minds and spirits shrink to the pea-size of our world. A spirituality centered in such a life will drift into laziness and complacency. It is the kind of life that allows us to settle for easy answers based solely on personal experience. (ch. 3)

Hospitality means we don’t tell people how to feel. We listen to them. We let them tell us how they feel. this is not easy for a compassionate person to do. (ch. 3)

(more…)

Hospitality – Part 2

More quotes from Radical Hospitality: Benedict’s Way to Love by Fr. Daniel Homan and Lonni Collins Pratt. See Part 1.

Genuine spirituality is not cozy, and seldom makes you comfortable. It challenges, disturbs, unsettles, and leaves you feeling like someone is at the center of your existence on a major remodeling mission. While affirming how wonderful you are, better than you really know, spirituality is also meant to change you. If it doesn’t, it is something less than spirituality. (ch. 2)

(more…)

First Day at College

Along with my many responsibilities of being a teacher in a small, catholic high school, I drive a small school bus for a morning route. Due to moving the beginning of the school day a half hour earlier this year, many days I have the opportunity to drive the bus home each night. This year, three out of my four children ride into school with me on the bus. The younger two cross the street to the parochial school.
Child #1, a 16-year old turning seventeen next month, is a senior in high school this year. It is hard to believe she is that old already. She is concurrently enrolled in a nearby community college this semester. She is taking Calculus I as a night class. (I had the privilege of teaching her calculus last year when she was a junior.)
Last Tuesday, she got dropped off in a little, yellow school bus on her first day at college.