I am a pilgrim stuck between two sides of darkness. I am happy, do not get me wrong, but I feel a little sense of restlessness. Behind me is one darkness, or at least I am on the outer edge of its shadow. (I hope.) I see, or rather sense down the road another darkness. Both darknesses have a pull that is hard to resist, but I am drawn toward the other now. I am nervous and not-nervous at the same time.
The use of the word “darkness” in a poem by Hadge got me to thinking. In Christian spirituality, the word “darkness” has two connotations. One is the darkness of the world, in being separated from the Light of God, surrounded by ignorance and sin. This kind of darkness alludes to the idea of blindness, groping in the dark for something. Pieces of the truth? We prefer this darkness because we are comfortable to wallow in our pride and our self-confidence.
The other connotation is the darkness of knowing the unknowable infinite God. This darkness, ironically, is in a way like an owl blinded by the light of the noon day sun. Our minds, our intellect, our fantasies reach a point where they do not work any more. Words have long been useless at this point because words are created, and how can they describe the uncreated? Emotions are useless too. So our minds, with nothing to grasp onto, perceive it as darkness.
God is sitting there in silence, in this dark cloud of unknowing in the center of your soul, offering no answers, no signs of encouragement, nothing. Except somehow, without words, without emotions, with no sense of medium, you know that God loves you, that God knows the feeble light of your soul and thinks it is glorious. He wants you to come back home, to step into the center of the darkness within yourself, this darkness that leads to God, and knowledge of your true self, not your created self of the other darkness, the self He knows and loves.
The truth revealed through the Apostles and Saints are like signposts pointing us down the road to home, to the Ultimate Truth of God. There is much to learn, much to do, much to love, much to transform, much to become along the journey between the two sides of darkness.
The beginning of the road was obscured by the darkness of the created world. A Voice calls you to the road out of this darkness, and sets you on your own. It may feel like you are alone on this road, but God is with you every step of the way. The end of the road is also obscured, but by the uncreated darkness of God. Ironically, the next footstep on this road itself is often obscured too.
Oh Father, guide our feet for we do not know where to step next.