I am lost in a fog of nothingness.
I cannot seem to see or recognize
or understand much of anything.
I see faint lights scattered about me.
Some are brighter than others, some less.
One or three of them give off a little heat,
but barely enough to feel the warmth.
I stumble and trip over things in the fog, in the dark.
I stub my toes and they ache; they hurt.
I am tired of tripping, of falling, of hurting.
I do not feel abandoned by God,
like some of the Psalms pray,
but rather lost.
I do not know where I am going.
I do not know what I am doing.
I do not know where my next foot step is to go.
I doubt if I have the energy
to even lift my foot for the next step.
I know God is here.
He is always here with me, with us.
I just cannot seem to sense His presence.
I cannot feel Him in my life.
The fog is in the way,
diffusing the big picture of life.
Ironically, I can see God’s glory,
all around me, nearest me in the fog.
I see God
in the beauty of the sunlight warming my face,
in the marvel of a cardinal sitting in a tree,
in the scent of a lady’s perfume,
and in the harmonies of a choir.
But look further away,
the big picture gets foggy,
out of focus,
only its existence is inferred.
I can see joy all around me too,
in the laughter of others,
in the eyes of others.
I can see joy in their smiles too,
and in the briefest of moments,
I think I see the joy in my own smile,
but that joy seems to go only so far;
it does not seem to penetrate
into the deepest part of my heart.
I can see God’s love for me, for us.
It shines through the eyes of my closest friends.
I just cannot seem to feel it.
The warmth of their love only warms my face.
I desperately want to feel it deep inside.
I want to feel it.
I yearn to feel it.
I need to feel it.
My heart feels like it is wrapped within a cocoon,
shielded from the malleability of the world.
Unfortunately, only the most intense emotions
seem to penetrate.
I trust God that whatever is happening
is for the good of everything.
I hope God is transforming my heart into a butterfly
within this cocoon in my soul,
so that I may fly above the misty fog
and see the glory of His Big Picture,
and feel the warmth of His love,
on my wings.