I have been struggling with purpose lately, my purpose. What specifically is my purpose in life? What is my part in the big picture of God’s plan? I know and trust that God has a purpose for all things, including me (see Psalm 139). Either life has meaning or it does not; either everything has meaning or nothing does.
I was looking through a stack of my books this morning to find a particular book to loan someone. In the book, I had left a fortune from a fortune cookie as a bookmark. It read:
Your efforts will be worthwhile.
My experience lately, especially with my students today, does not confirm this statement. I know that my effort, if that is what you call it, with my family, my friends, and my students is worth it. In some ways I think I know how, but in many ways I do not. I trust in God that all is according to His providence. It is just that the discontinuity between my experience at times and what faith tells me is deflating. I have read that times like these strengthen faith. Another reason why to keep hope alive (as Fr. Scott always says).
It seems odd to say, but part of me is happy for this time of desolation. I know that God is with me, transforming me. I just need to stay out of the way. Let go, let God as they say.
(And maybe I should place the fortune in another book for some other day…)