CowPi Journal

I was listening to “All Things Considered” on NPR the other evening, and this story about atheists came on. One segment of the story described how atheists are deeply offended, especially when used by the media, by the old axiom, “There are no atheists in foxholes.” Apparently atheists find it degrading to expect them to give up their convictions because of extreme peril.
I do not doubt that atheists are offended, and I do not expect most atheists to change their convictions in such situations and suddenly believe in God. But the old axiom does illustrate a deep truth. In situations of danger, there is always some element of hope. It is human nature to hope and wish for assistance out of a perilous situation. And although an atheist would deny it, hope is prayer. Hope, like prayer, looks outward from ones self. It places some kind of trust, confidence, assurance, faith, or whatever you want to call it, in someone or something other than ones self, be it luck, human, or God, to save them from harm.
Hope is grace, and it is a gift from God whether you believe in Him or not. Just like your next breath.

I have been struggling with purpose lately, my purpose. What specifically is my purpose in life? What is my part in the big picture of God’s plan? I know and trust that God has a purpose for all things, including me (see Psalm 139). Either life has meaning or it does not; either everything has meaning or nothing does.

I was looking through a stack of my books this morning to find a particular book to loan someone. In the book, I had left a fortune from a fortune cookie as a bookmark. It read:

Your efforts will be worthwhile.

My experience lately, especially with my students today, does not confirm this statement. I know that my effort, if that is what you call it, with my family, my friends, and my students is worth it. In some ways I think I know how, but in many ways I do not. I trust in God that all is according to His providence. It is just that the discontinuity between my experience at times and what faith tells me is deflating. I have read that times like these strengthen faith. Another reason why to keep hope alive (as Fr. Scott always says).

It seems odd to say, but part of me is happy for this time of desolation. I know that God is with me, transforming me. I just need to stay out of the way. Let go, let God as they say.

(And maybe I should place the fortune in another book for some other day…)

This song by Natalie Grant is really a prayer. It says much about where I am at lately. I can’t do this. I need Your help. I trust in You.

I’ve been silent instead of speaking up
Gave my advice instead of giving love
I have been unfair, faithless and unkind
I have shut my eyes just so I would stay blind
It’s not what I’m meant to do
Cause I wanna honor You

Make me over, make me new
Make me a mirror, a reflection of You
Take me all apart, take me to Your heart
And pull me closer
Oh Jesus, make me over

Take away the pride that whispers in the dark
Take the stone out of the middle of my heart
Hidden underneath my insecurities
Is the servant that You’ve destined me to be
Day after precious day
I get in my own way

So make me over, make me new
Make me a mirror, a reflection of You
Take me all apart, take me to Your heart
And pull me closer
Sweet Savior, make me over

I am only made of Your imagining
I’m dust and clay on the wind
Wash me in the river of Your sacrifice
Until I’m changed, purified

Take me all apart, take me to Your heart
And pull me closer
My Jesus, make me over

From part of today’s second reading (Philippians 1:9-11), Saint Paul’s prayer:

And this is my prayer:
that your love may increase ever more and more
in knowledge and every kind of perception,
to discern what is of value,
so that you may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ,
filled with the fruit of righteousness
that comes through Jesus Christ
for the glory and praise of God.

There are many good words in these verses to meditate upon. One word that jumps out at me is pure. It reminds me of a quote by Søren Kierkegaard, “Purity of heart is to will one thing.”

In his homily, Father suggested to meditate on the word value. The world’s values? My values? Christ’s values? What is of value?