Just found out that my last surviving grandparent, my mom’s mom, died. Another link to my family history lost (for now). Mom passed away back in 1993 and there is hardly a day that goes by that I do not think of her. My wife left last night to take our oldest daughter to college out of state. I miss them deeply already. My daughter and I drove together to school every morning since she was in fourth grade. Plus, I fear that a very close friend and I may be drifting apart. I know the deep love of the friendship is still there and will last for eternity, but I so miss their presence.
I feel so alone.
I do know in my head and in my heart that God is still there. He always is. I feel kind of blah. I cannot say that I feel God’s presence, but through faith, I know that He is most likely carrying me through this moment, propping me up. Part of me has this urge to close down, to build a wall and retreat within myself. A larger part of me is drawn to the light, to do the opposite and go outside of myself. I do not feel like I personally have the energy to reach out, but then again, I do feel a sense of energy from deep within. It has to be grace because I could not do it on my own.
The sun is shining in a wonderfully blue sky. The leaves and grass are green. I can still hear the laughter of my other children. Although all is not right in my world, at least by my standards, it is still all good.
I need to stop looking at the emptiness of the hole in my [still looking for the “right” word to place here]. I need to focus on the Light. And to not listen to the voices of Bitterness, Resentment, and Self-Pity.
And oddly enough, all I can really say now is: Thank you Lord. All is gift. Thank you…

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