I have almost deleted this whole weblog three times in the past two weeks. Had my finger of the delete button, ready to go, but didn’t. Not sure why. I have not really been reading other weblogs either. Nothing seems to satisfy.
It all stems from being very frustrated lately. I have tried to write a half dozen posts but none of them seem right. The words do not seem to flow. They are all jammed up in my head and heart. And what words do seem to come out, many of them feel wrong, or miss the point I was trying to convey. The same with prayer. I desperately want to pray but the words feel so dry, empty, and hollow. I know that the desire and just turning toward God is in a way a form of prayer, but it does not seem like enough. Most words that have come out in my prayer have been tear stained. Selfish prayers for myself. I should be praying for others instead of myself.
I feel so broken, weak, ugly, empty. I feel like I am doing just about everything wrong. Richard Rohr in Everything Belongs says, “The great and merciful surprise is that we come to God not by doing it right but by doing it wrong!” I don’t know. This makes sense in a way because if we were perfect than there would be no need of God. But what I see in my heart is just too… Lord have mercy on me.
[Take a deep breath.]
I know God loves me. And in light of what I see in myself and the way I feel, His awesome love brings me to tears. It is just too much and too good to believe.
I have also heard that when you get closer to the pure light of the Lord, you begin to notice more of your own sinfulness and ugliness. I am not saying that I am on that path. I pray that I am. And if I am not, please Lord put me on there.
[Another deep breath.]
The Bebo Norman song “Disappear” sums up a big part of what I am feeling:
On a day like this I want to crawl beneath a rock
A million miles from the world, the noise, the commotion
That never seems to stop
And on a day like this I want to run away from the routine
Run away from the daily grind that can suck the life
Right out of me
I know of only one place I can run to…
I want to hide in You
The Way, the Life, the Truth
So I can disappear
And love is all there is to see
Coming out of me
And You become clear
As I disappear
I don’t want to care about earthly things
Be caught up in all the lies that trick my eyes
They say it’s all about me
I’m so tired of it being about me…
I would rather be cast away
Separated from the human race
If I don’t bring You glory…
I don’t feel like I am bringing glory to God.
And now, as I am about to finalize this post to the weblog, I wonder if I have exposed too much of my heart here. Do I delete it? Do I allow comments? If anyone reading this decides to post a comment, please, like the song says, don’t let it be about me.