CowPi Journal

At the end of the movie, American Beauty, the main character Lester Burnham reflects on his life:

…there’s so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I’m seeing it all at once, and it’s too much. My heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst. And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain. And I can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my…little life.

That is a sacramental moment, the gratitude that arises from pure joy. A grace-filled moment. Full awareness, full consciousness, fully awake. The false self, the little me, wants to hold on to it, on to everything; the true self knows and lets go, and just is.

I don’t claim full awareness. I am no where near it, but I have had a couple moments in my life, especially since accepting the gift of faith, that hint of this. It left me speechless. Words are inadequate. All I could do was be, exist in the moment, and let it flow through me, be apart of me. It let me be apart of it. The gratitude whelmed me over from the joy welling up from a source that is hard to describe. It came deep from within, but not really from me, somewhere different, apart from me, but me, from another place, from an area where the border of who I am is fuzzy, undefined.

Maybe it is the border between who I am and what God is? Maybe there really is no border?

All is pure gift. And if I am honest, if I am open to Love, how could I not be grateful? Joy and gratitude are two sides of the same coin. And that coin is a gift.

A moment later, Lester adds,

You have no idea what I’m talking about, I’m sure; but don’t worry, you will someday.

Someday…in heaven.

Christ on the cross bows his head,
Waiting for you,
That he may kiss you,
His arms are outstretched,
That he may embrace you,
His hands are open,
That he may enrich you,
His body spread out,
That he may give himself totally,
His feet are nailed,
That he may stay there,
His side is open for you,
That he may let you enter there.

— Saint Bonaventure, Soliloquy

What a powerful image of friendship, of relationship with Jesus! How could some Christians ever take the corpus off the Cross? Kenosis, a total giving over, that is what the three Persons of the Trinity do/are, that is what Jesus is offering us, that is what He is calling us to, to total and complete relationship. We cannot give ourselves over completely yet, but He will help us, perfect us. Thank you.

“To sin, it is not necessary to break the rules,” the sage said. “just keep them to the letter.”

It is more than possible to make rules for our existence, the measure of our souls. But when rule-keeping takes precedence over the very essence of spirituality—justice, compassion, and union with God—rules become the very thing that can destroy the reason for our existence. (Author unknown)

I could easily have been a rule keeper. It fits with my old personality of perfectionism. I now know they are sign posts to you, sort of. An external point of view of an internal reality. The inside must come first, but too often we look and focus on the approach from the outside. I hope my morality and ethics come from wanting to be like you, near you, and not from any preconceived notions or imagined realities of what you want.

On occasion, I feel glad of the fact that I may be bending or breaking some rule for that I see as the right thing to do for someone else. Please Father, keep me doing what is right for your sake, for the other person’s sake, for right’s sake, and never for the pitiful gladness or pride of breaking a rule just to be breaking one.

Your being and existence is beyond rules. Our being and existence are within you, and in a sense, are beyond rules too, at least of rules for the sake of measuring our existence. Except for maybe one, the rule of love.

In the evening of our life, we shall be judged by love, namely, by the sincerity of our love for God, for our neighbor, for our soul. (St. John of the Cross)

O my God, I ask of You
for myself and for those whom I hold dear,
the grace to fulfill perfectly Your holy will,
to accept for love of You
the joys and sorrows of this passing life,
so that we may one day be united
in Heaven for all eternity.

— Saint Thérèse of Lisieux