CowPi Journal

I was driving down the highway the other morning and heard the song On Fire by Switchfoot. It reminded me of a haunting comment that someone made a week or two ago about having problems with the Church.

They tell you where you need to go.
They tell you when you need to leave.
They tell you what you need to know.
They tell you who you need to be.

But everything inside you
     knows there’s more than what you’ve heard.
There’s so much more than empty conversations
     filled with empty words.

And you’re on fire
     when He’s near you.
You’re on fire when He speaks.
You’re on fire burning at these mysteries.

Give me one more time around,
Give me one more chance to see,
Give me everything you are,
Give me one more chance to be near you.

When everything inside me
     looks like everything I hate,
You are the hope I have for change,
You are the only chance I’ll take.

And I’m on fire when you’re near me.
I’m on fire when you speak.
I’m on fire burning at these mysteries.

I’m standing on the edge of me,
I’m standing at the edge of everything I’ve ever been.
And I’ve been standing at the edge of me,
     standing at the edge.

I imagine that I am like most people and have my problems and challenges with particular tenets of the church. But these are my problems, not the church’s.

I will re-word this and say that I am the one who has to move toward God. I have to change. He is not going to move towards me and change everything just to suit my fancy, my opinion, or my culture.

Christ became what we are so that He might make us what He is.

The wonderful thing is that He will help you move toward Himself, if you’re on fire. Just ask Him to help.

In a timely piece, Fr. Jim wrote about the concern of twice-a-year Catholics in Not Quite Where We’d Like Them to Be: Thoughts on the Practice of the Faith. (I assume this is a problem in other denomination too.) Fr. Jim also posted an inspiring Christmas sermon.

May the Light of Christ
Burn brightly in your life,
Today and always

This seems appropriate for Christmas:

Do you not know
or have you not heard?
The Lord is the eternal God,
creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint nor grow weary,
and his knowledge is beyond scrutiny.
He gives strength to the fainting;
for the weak he makes vigor abound.
Though young men faint and grow weary,
and youths stagger and fall,
They that hope in the Lord will renew their strength,
they will soar as with eagles’ wings;
They will run and not grow weary,
walk and not grow faint.

— Isaiah 40:28-31

The people I work with decided to have one of those Secret Santa-gift exchanges. We called it Advent Angel. I signed up to be a part of the festivities and picked a name. The idea was to give your person a little gift everyday or so, and to pray for them. The tiny gifts should be small like candy, a card, or something to let your person know that they have a secret santa. On the last day, we were to have a Christmas party and exchange a bigger gift.
Well, as you can guess, I did not get anything. Every morning, I would check my mailbox in the faculty workroom and there would be nothing. Empty. I even seemed to have received less mail the last two weeks too.
I have been part of many Secret Santa’s, but this is first time I did not get anything. More importantly, I did not like what the whole process turned me into. I began expecting things. I began to feel entitled to something, and I was not getting it. It turned me from a free and giving person into a person expecting and wanting his piece of pie. I became non-humble at the worst time of the year.
I honestly believe that it is better to give than receive, but expecting a gift in my mailbox every morning turned the focus on receiving. I let it overshadow any joy I received from giving my gifts to my person. It also drudged up many childhood/teenage memories about old social embarrassments. I felt forgotten and abandoned.
To acerbate the situation, the organizers of the Christmas party scheduled it on the last day of school before break (an exam day) at 7:45 am. (School starts at 9:00.) This time works for nearly everybody in the school except for the four teachers who drive school buses. Three of us would only get to enjoy the last five or ten minutes of the party. (The fourth driver would only miss the first 15 minutes or so.) I asked one of the organizers about this conflict in schedules and her reply blew me off, “Just ask your riders to get there 15 minutes early.” Yeah, right. More feelings of being pushed to the margin. (I do not know why they did not traditionally schedule the party in the evening so that we could bring our spouses.)
So Friday came. I got to school at about my usual time of 8:20. I could catch the last 10 minutes of party, but I really hate being late. What is 10 minutes worth? They had plenty of food, but I was not hungry. I still had a set of exams to grade. I decided not to go to the party. (In hind sight, I should have been a bigger person and gone to the party, but instead I chose to wallow in my hurt.)
By 8:30, I had about a half-dozen students in my classroom. The ironic thing is that none of them were there for any last-minute cramming for an exam because I did not have any exams to give on the last day. About five minutes later, the party organizer who blew me off offered to bring me some food. I said no thanks. She asked about why I did not go to the party. I replied that I had exams to grade. I could tell that her feelings were a little hurt. That was the last thing I intended. I thought I was only hurting myself for not going.
Later that morning, one of my dearest friends asked about not being at the party. I told him the whole story. He recommended that I go and check under the tree to see if I had a present from my secret santa. I did. Nothing.
There is a lesson in all of this. I am not exactly sure what it is, but there is one. Perhaps it is a lesson in humilty and forgiveness? Or maybe inclusiveness? Feeling left out of a party is nothing big in the grand scheme of things. How many people feel forgotten and pushed to the margin in our society?